life without training wheels

Lately I have felt somewhat....overwhelmed. In the last year, life has absolutely overwhelmed me. I graduated, I moved out of my house and for the most part am now on my own. Plus, I now have this incredible opportunity to serve God in front of me and I'm a little afraid of it. Somedays I just want someone to tell me "everything is going to be ok, its all going to work out." I need someone to pat me on the head and tell me I'm ok. But that wouldn't do me any good and God knows it. On top of that I'm realizing many things about myself. I think they call this introspection or "self awareness" or some other psycho-babel like that. However, long sleepless nights for the most part do not make for good mornings. Most days are a little war with myself over what God wants for me and what I want for myself and it gets draining. God is teaching me things and showing me things, but I am still stubborn and I want things my way. Part of my struggles lately are I just don't feel like I have someone to lead me. I'm a person who does what I'm told to do. In my life right now I have no real mentor. I feel this has caused me to fumble and flounder and figure things out on my own for once. It is a good thing, but it is something I'm absolutely not used to. For the last 7 or 8 years I have had someone who guided me. Now I don't. I think God is teaching me a lot of things through this, a lot of things I wouldn't have been receptive to if I had someone else in my life to tell me what to do and not to do. It is like God has taken away all those people in my life and said "listen to me, I'm going to teach you, guide you and show you what you need to see". It is like God has slowly taking the training wheels off my bike and is showing me how to ride. In the process I'm falling down, skinning my knees and getting cut up and bruised. I am learning, I am growing. Somedays are better than others. But I'm starting to get it.......I think. A lot of days people ask me how everything is going for Australia. It is going well, a lot more difficult than I ever imagined in the area of raising support. I know this is where God is leading me. In the meantime I feel that God is using this time, to shape me, to make me ready for it. I prayed and asked him before any of this really took off that I wanted to be his man on the scene. That I wanted him to change my heart so that I would be effective there. I think He is doing it.

And I am thankful...