you wanna make this personal?

One of the best things I read during my undergraduate studies was a biography of St. Augustine. I liked it so much because he was a normal guy who did great things for the kingdom of God. He struggled through life, decisions, understanding, reason and faith. I related so much to him. I love his story, especially how he came to know the Lord.

Another one of the things that endured me to Augustine was his struggle with sin. I'm sure had he been telling some of his stories there probably would have been a few that would make the dog blush. I mean this guy struggled big time. His book Confessions gives such a real and honest glimpse into his early life and many of his youthful struggles. Many of his struggles had to do with...well...lust. What can I say...Augustine loved the ladies...and he admitted that.

There seethed all around me a cauldron of lawless loves. I loved not yet, yet I loved to love, and out of a deep-seated want, I hated myself for wanting not. I sought what I might love, in love with loving, and I hated safety... To love then, and to be beloved, was sweet to me; but more, when I obtained to enjoy the person I loved. I defiled, therefore, the spring of friendship with the filth of concupiscence, and I beclouded its brightness with the hell of lustfulness.

Seriously, we don't talk like that anymore and I wish we did. So real and raw yet poignant and true. I appreciate Augustine and his thoughts because he makes me feel like...I'm not the only one. I think Augustine probably read Romans a lot. And I'm going out on a limb and saying that Paul was probably one his influences.

I've been thinking a lot about what Paul writes in Romans 7 about sin.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

I'm glad Paul wrote that because he makes me feel better too. But at the same time...I feel terrible. I don't want to do things against God, I want to be constantly striving for holiness, I don't want to mar the name of Christ by my actions, words or life. I have seen too many times people who have been great leaders or influences for the Kingdom of Heaven taken down by sin. I absolutely do not want to contribute to that...ever. I just don't want to ever bring question to my Lord and Savior...which means...I need to be in tune with the Spirit.

This week I'm trying to do something to help me get to that. Say a prayer for me and lets see how this goes.