knowledge is power

So.

I am sitting here at 1:35 on what is now Monday morning. Watching a TV show called Life that is on NBC, I decided to watch it because it stars the guy who played Capt. Winters in the Band of Brother mini series.

Bored

Yeap

It is difficult to be home. Everything comes flooding back. None of my friends are here and I miss everyone. So when I miss everything and feel this way it usually leads to me doing some reflecting.

Me and reflecting are a bad pair, we don't get along well.

I think I've realized that a lot of my personal failures and grievance I have with myself is that I have to know everything.

A guy my Dad worked with used to call me World Book because I was always talking about some interesting new thing I'd learned or some random trivia that had no real use other than being...knowledge.

Actually, it was probably cause I'm a know it all...even if I don't.

See for me to feel like everything is in control I have to understand everything. Everybody and their reactions, feelings, words and opinions have to be cataloged, sorted and filed into my little brain. Things I hear, learn or see goes through the same process. Also, everything I do and say goes through the same process. I sit in bed awake a lot. It used to be worse. When things are outside of that control...it can drive me...crazy.

And you wonder why I have no hair?

I have to know everything. Every path has to be explored and figured out. Sometimes, I think I look at life like a really big rubik's cube and I have to figure the dang thing out.

Actually, its really not as bad as it sounds. I really like to know things, to learn and to figure things out. To understand. Trivia is fun to me. I think whatever that this is, is responsible for me being interested in...just about everything. You name it...I could probably have a conversation with you about it...and if not...I could probably listen to you talk about it for hours and find it interesting and fun.

I think tonight though I realized something.

Adam and Eve were given a choice. To obey and not eat of the Tree of Knowledge. Paradise all around them, communion with God all the time, they got to spend time and take walks with Him. How cool is that! All God asked was do not eat of this one tree. Sure, Satan tempted them and they disobeyed. But God didn't make robots, He gave man kind a choice. He wanted them to freely choose Him.

To quote the Templar Knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade "They chose poorly"

Paradise traded away for knowledge. Communion with God cast aside because they had to know. I have heard a lot of people say there are great mysteries about God we may never know, even after we are in heaven. There are great mysteries now that I think human kind wants to understand but doesn't and may never.

Isn't the fun of mystery...the mystery?

Alfred Hitchcock at the beginning of his movies had a disclaimer: Don't tell your friends the secret ending. Something like that anyway.

Maybe this is our problem.

Maybe this what is wrong.

Everything that we deal with, struggle with and face on a daily basis is an extension of that one day back in the garden when Adam and Eve just had to know.

And now we do.

Their eyes were opened.

Ever have someone ruin a great movie or book because they told you the ending? I could choke those people sometimes.

You know why it would stink to know exactly when and how you would die? 'Cause it would overshadow everything before that.

I think regardless of being a Christian or not people aren't staying married for a couple reasons. There is no mystery to sex any more. It is everywhere, it permeates our culture. So we have the random hook up, the one-night stand, the summer fling and casual sex with who ever and when ever.

I think God commands that we wait until marriage to have sex because He knows there is a mystery to it. A unique bond between man and woman, sanctified through a covenant with one another and with God.

But we have taken that out.

So people do that and they ruin it for themselves. They become jaded, hardened and hollow.

Another reason I think is because we are a Me culture. Everything is about Me. What I need and what I want. I think that some marriages fail because they fail to see the mystery, the chance to know and be known intimately by another person. To grow and share things together. To share a story, to build a life and to grow with God together.

Likewise with God. I think people give up on God for similar reasons.

I think this is the root of what is wrong with us.

I think this is when God can really show up. When we have faith, when we trust, when we root ourselves in his goodness and grace. When we stop having to know. When we just start trusting in Him. Trusting that his way is the best and that what He wants for us is to know and be known by Him.

To know Jesus. To know the price that He paid for us. To know that it mattered that much. To know that He became flesh and bone like us, To know our struggles and our pains. So we could know that we don't have to be bound up by what happen that day in the Garden. To know that through Jesus we are free from that tree.

The Israelites would not pronounce Yahweh. They spelled it and left out the vowels. YHWH. To know the name of someone in that time was to have a power over them. The showed respect for God by not saying his name.

Knowledge is power.

Power corrupts.

I think I just need to let go of the fruit.

the final push

I have a very short 30 days left to accomplish all my goals to get to Australia. Today, I sent two emails to hopefully get stuff in motion for my visa which would be great. I also found out where I will be living which is also awesome. I'm going to be living with an older woman from the congregation of the church I will be at. She is a widow and has a little apartment that I am going to live in. That was totally a blessing because that cuts down on my budget, it helps takes care of my living expenses. She is also the lady who is starting my visa paper work so its great to know that I have her fighting for me to get there. I got to talk to Stan a second tonight. That was great too, he should be emailing me some paper work to start which will also help big time. I have got to get my budget soon!!! It was supposed to come monday I thought, but tomorrow will be just as good as last week as far as I am concerned. I just want to have it. The three things that I really have to get done in order of importance:

1. Make sure the plane ticket can still be purchased.
2. Get a medical exam
3. Get my direct deposit stuff taken care of...after my third attempt. I might just have to request some checks or something.

In other news. I have a ton of thank you cards to write. A TON!!!! Thats okay thought, just gotta sit down and do them. I'm super thankful for everything, I sometimes just don't think a card communicates that anymore. I honestly wish I could be like...I'm sending all of you boomerangs or kangaroos, but I really can't. I like to extravagantly thank people, but this joker can't afford that anymore.

I get paid in two days which will be nice as well. I'm hanging on by a thread financially, it just makes me sad. Hank and Kristie get married on Friday, that will be awesome. ABOUT TIME IS WHAT I SAY! kidding, kidding. The wedding is going to be great and if there is birdseed or something to throw, I'm gonna pelt you Hank, you hear that...I'm gunning for you.

Well, I need to write my newsletter because I haven't done it yet for April because well I honestly kinda forgot and its almost the end of May. Its gonna have to be a big one.

Everyone have a good day and I'll see you around.

last day

So, I sit here in the corner behind the counter at work kinda sad. Why am I sad? Today is my last day at work. Yeap. My time as barista is coming to a close. It has been fun and I will miss it terribly. Its raining and that only makes it worse.

I hate change and by hate I mean I avoid it at all cost. I moved out of the apartment I was sharing with my friend Hank. That evening we were talking about how strange it is...He is getting married and I'm getting ready to leave. Its crazy the way the reality of life settles in on you when even the smallest things like a poster on the wall are different and you realize things are not the way they were. Not to say that things aren't about to be awesome for both of us but...there is comfort found in the familiar. I hate it when friends move away, I hate to move away, I hate having to say good bye and I hate not being certain of what is ahead. Enough about what I hate about it.

I am really just going to miss being around these people. I am really going to miss work. This place has become my second home. I feel comfortable here. I have met a ton of really interesting and unique people here. I have formed friendships here. I have had good arguments, discussions, laughs, hugs and all around good times here. I guess thats what we all call memories.

I look forward to what is ahead. In a short amount of time I hope to be finishing up my preparations to go over to Australia. Do I feel ready? No, not at all. Does anyone ever really feel ready for anything?

Well enough being sentimental. I'm going to miss this place. See you around

passing the ball

So I really can't wait until I get my revised GP budget. Why? Because once I have that and all the money raised then I get to place the ball in someone else's court. So far this is what its looking like.

1. Raised 600 dollars this weekend.
2. 500 coming from a close friend
3. 600 coming from stimulus package
4. 400 some from taxes
5. trying to sell my car for around 1,500 to a 1,000

total = somewhere in the ballpark of 3,100 to 3,600 I'm trying to generate.

So once I have my new budget I'll know for sure. I have a feeling that the ballpark they are going to give me is around 9,000

We shall see soon. I'll keep you posted.

good weekend

Well I am enjoying a lovely Monday afternoon sitting in downtown Kings Mountain North Carolina. I'm here visiting a couple of friends, Mike and Jon. I had to travel up here Saturday afternoon and stayed with Mike, woke up early Sunday and drove to Randleman, NC to speak at a church.

It was a great morning. The service was incredible, the worship was great and possibly for the first time ever...I felt like I was in my element. Its so funny the night before I was verbally expressing that I'm not a preacher but a pastor and that it (my sermon) was gonna suck. It went really really well. I was surprised at how comfortable I felt and how I actually communicated my points well. It was a moment of I can do this, thank you God for giving me the strength. I raised 600 dollars for my mission fund which was also great news.

Decided to go watch Iron Man at a DLP theater in Hickory. Iron Man was absolutely amazing. Followed the Iron Man history well, plot was great, cast was amazing, humorous and good bit of action.

Anyway, wanted to drop a quick post. Hope everyone is having a good afternoon.

announcements part deux

Ok, I've got some good news.

I talked to my man at GP this morning about changing my status with the missions organization and shortening my trip in an effort to get there sooner.

It got approved. Right now I'm waiting on an updated budget to see all the money factors. This is all pretty funny. I went to bed feeling pretty discouraged and didn't really know how this was going to go over. I just started praying, God if this doesn't happen...this thing is done...I don't want this to be done. I have come to the conclusion that for me to even leave its gonna have to be God doing his thing. So I'm praying for God to just step in and blow me away. He's doing it in small increments...probably because I'd doubt the big ones.

So the ball is rolling and starting to pick up some speed.

the announcement

Well this is what I've been delaying and putting off for weeks now.

A few weeks ago after talking to Stan (the pastor I'm going to work for) I have decided to leave for Australia as soon as possible. He told me he was retiring in September and that it would be great to have me come over before then. So, I asked him if he thought it would be alright to forgo finishing the support raising process in an effort to take what I have raised now and head over. He said it sounded great even placing some new ideas out on the table (more on those later). He is going to be here in June to go to general conference, I told him that when he leaves on June 20th to go back to Australia that I want to leave with him. I should be able to stay anywhere from 6 to 9 months, I've gotta sort out those detail with Global Partners, that is also what I'm trying to get done today.

So I decided in May that I would stop actively fundraising. I'm speaking at a church Sunday and I'm going to visit my friend Ken and his church in Winnsboro on the 18th so I have a few more things lined up but...I'm not actively pursuing anything.

I have 6 thousand in cash. So that is solid. I have about another thousand coming to me in tax returns and the surplus thing. Still have a solid thousand still out in faith promises. That whole thing will have to change since I'm changing my length of service, some people are well past done on giving to that if that happens (THANKS TO YOU PEOPLE!!!). Still have maybe a thousand from a personal friend and whatever I raise from the two churches.

So yeah thats the gist of it. It is looking good for a solid 6 months potentially 9 when the money issue settles...plus the options that are on the table could add additional time on which would be completely awesome.

I'm stoked, excited, elated, nervous, scared and stressed. June 20th is coming around quick. I don't feel ready...but I started to realize that God doesn't deal with ready people cause none of us are ever ready for what He's about to do.

Well there you have it. The cat is officially out of the big ol' bag.

If you think about me throw up some prayers on my behalf, send me some encouragement and if you have some ideas or anything that might help...believe me it is welcome.