restraint

Sorry about the week long disappearance. Last week was a long one, multiply things happened...details coming soon.

I am going to take a moment to let something kinda personal out. I've been angry about something for a month now and I've held it in. I don't even think the people around me would have noticed. Its not something that has been just stewing below the surface, more like a nagging annoyance in my mind.

I'm not going to detail it but it has just made me so angry. I made a decision for myself, for my sanity, so I could focus and put my mind back on track. Little things can be a big distraction to me...and I decided to eliminate a big one. Once I make a decision like this...I'm usually set in stone about it. Not much can change my mind. I always second guess myself, wonder what could happen or might happen now that I've made my decision. I always wonder how my following actions are perceived and always fear I've made a bad call.

most of the time...I just get angry.

I hate being put in a no win situation and I hate when that happens because I was stupid. I think the majority of my anger is at myself. I hate feeling like a complete fool, which I try to make sure doesn't happen often...so when I do...I take the blame...and I'm not nice to myself about it.

I'm sorry I'm venting...I just don't know what to say...and I don't want to take it out on anyone. Lashing out is something I really want to do but I don't want to misrepresent Jesus by doing that. So, I'm going to bite the bullet, hold my tongue and do my best to show that Christ rules my tongue and my attitude rather than let my anger and malice rule me.

Pray for me in this...cause...its not easy.